And when everything becomes stable

It's amazing how fast time flies; last year I was lost and contemplating what to do with my life and now I am still lost and uncertain of what to do with my life but with a certain kind of twist.


Three days from now I will be having the longest office job in my life, congratulations to a six- month stable job at the Changi airport, congratulations too with a one- year steady partner! Am I happy now? Well, everything seems to be normal, I get to pay my bills, I can afford to travel, I can pay my social security, and I'm even starting to have savings and security service. In short, everything seems to be a normal cycle.

The more stable I get, the crazier I get inside. I get this feeling of being trapped and suffocated. Everything I do seems to be out of habit already. It  can really get frustrating. I thought I wanted stability, but this stability is the same reason while I feel so expired, so tired of going through the mundane.

I wanted to avoid this feeling of nonchalance. I have a stress- free easy job, I got fun friends, a boyfriend I've wished for, a nice condo, travels and night outs; I am living in a wonderful, modern city with all the fun I could ever ask for. But everyday is all the same, I hate myself for feeling miserable. I was two hundred meters high with a three hundred sixty degree view of Singapore one night, and it really didn't amaze me. What amazed me was the amount of money I had to pay just to go up there and have an ice cold beer. Everything is for a price if you want to enjoy it, nothing is free, and nothing is even natural! Everything around me was screaming so artificial!

This is one of the longest periods of my life being so depressed. How come I got the security that I wanted but still feeling unhappy. I lack inspiration, I lack motivation. I feel like I'm a flower slowy withering and waiting to die. Should I wait for my slow death? I really need something substantial.