Friday, February 4, 2011

untitled............

I admit that it did hurt me when you said in perfect nonchalance that we were nothing but friends. It was like cold water splashed into my face because reality slapped my face when I knew what I was getting into right from the start. Well I have tried hard to keep my emotions at bay, and I purposely and willfully disregarded all your acts of sweetness or rather friendliness. Maybe I can’t blame myself for feeling this way because I know deep inside me that you acted different these past few days. I never imagined we will be romantically together eventually, but I won’t be that pretentious NOT to say that it never crossed my mind; after all what’s wrong with being more than friends with someone who knows the real you, the one who accepts you, the one who literally sees you from inside out.  Reality does hurt sometimes and I hate the way it stabs my heart literally. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t have a heart; and the only purpose I use it is to pump blood and to be alive, I have no future plans to use it romantically of whatsoever. I have been playing the “these games” so well even before, I feel so jaded.

But there is something special when I am with you:  the nearness of you which delights me, our conversations where I just can be me and how you support me (no matter how crazy my ideas seem to be). I know it was wrong of me to have hopes of us being eventually “together” and I have been in constant battle with myself, deluding myself with this possible fact and at the same time keeping myself grounded to being the “good” friend I was supposed to be. But no matter how I try to keep my guard, there was always you. YOU and your sweet honest ways that make me turn of my safety button. So desperate I may seem that I would say “yes” if ever you ask me to, but I know you will never will. Frankly, I am tired of this. I am tired of being strong for myself when I know it’s just me who’s hurting, indeed there’s always a problem when someone goes overboard, and I told myself right from the start that I won’t be that person. It’s not a question of pride to be honest, I just came into a mature decision that I would never want to lose our friendship because LOVE was getting in the way (damn I hate that word). Our friendship is the most important thing in the world for me. The way I’ve seen things in a different light since I met him, I must admit that he has been my driving force, he believed in me, and he cared for me and I know I should be contented with that because that was all he could ever offer. What he gave me was more than a romantic liaison or “boyfriend” in its normal sense would ever be. Hey, after all we are only here for the convenience in whatever sense you take that to be.

It’s just that lately I have felt that you have put down your defense walls yourself. I might be assuming though I am never in my nature an assuming gal, but I felt as if the walls you placed between us were broken into pieces.  We got closer than our projected personal space we intended to be and went way beyond the ‘friendship” boundary, but yes I might have just ASSUMED again here and I might have been back to my old childhood fancy of a romantic fairytale with a happy ending.

And I fear that it’s coming back again. My sensitivity, my frailty, my stupidity, and I’m afraid that in the end it will be my worst blunder. I won’t make it happen and I know I should be strong.  In the end it was only me alone and it will always be just me. I am still thankful enough to YOU for what YOU have made of me now; I must admit that knowing you led me to take a big U turn in my life. Thank you for making the nights less lonely, for the warm embrace when I was cold, the passionate kisses that made my life exciting, the long walks while holding my hands, for the little surprises, for making the boring afternoons pass by so quickly with all our long conversations, for dancing with me, for introducing me to your friends, for giving me the sweetest random kisses, your tenderness  and your lovely gaze, always telling me there is NOTHING I can’t do. Thank you most of all for believing me, and I’m sorry if I let you down for feeling this way, you were right from the start when you told me I should not fall for you. I really don’t know if I ever did………..Nice to meet you anyway........

2 comments:

Anonymous said...

Girl, you're a wonderful woman with or without a man. And you know it. Despite the "kwela" facade, there's a good level of maturity, tact, and wisdom underneath and I admire you for that.

It's okay to be vulnerable. It hurts sometimes, and sometimes it hurts a lot. But it's better than being bulletproof. At least, di ba, it shows that you are human.

As long as you can handle it, why not? You know your worth and if the situation is no longer in favor, I know very well you can move on. Kaw pa! Hehehe.

-cher ;)

pusakaldiaries said...

cher I just read your comment.. (really appreciate it) woooow! thanks for taking the time in reading my crappy stuff! haha! cheers to that my dear! :) oh well, tama ka.. most important is we feel.. and if it doesn't work, yeah we can always move on! amen!