Sunday, October 17, 2010

No more I love yous.. (still?)

I wrote this article two years ago. Last year I did a re- evaluation on it, and now i'm doing it again. Has things changed over the years. Do we really grow from the mistakes and the experiences we had. From the way I am seeing it I am still dealing with the things how I would deal with them two years ago. I may have deeper insights and new philosophies whatsoever but the fact still remains.
I think I didn't grow at all, or am I just that stubborn?
No, I'm a child at heart~~~

Reminiscin .. Again.. (May 2009)

I heard the song of Annie Lennox on the Radio this morning while I was headed to somewhere, headed to the road of uncertainty I guess. I just celebrated my birthday two days ago and weeks before my birthday, I asked myself if I've grown or if i've learned something from the past. 

I am out of words coz the emotions are just too much. My blog last October somehow was able to express what I feel... Things can happen in just a blink of an eye, in the end all we have are memories.. Bittersweet memories.. 

October 2008 

Don’t you hate long bus rides especially when you’re drunk and you live like two hours away? The cold breeze on your face and the sights triggers a nostalgic feeling. Thoughts, flashbacks, then you relive those memories you choose to forget. 

Funny how in a snap everything can change! When you enter a relationship the person involved becomes a part of you; your routine, your way of life. I just realize that the aftermath of breaking up is the hardest part to deal with. Everything you used to do is just a memory, sadly you just watched the relationship fall apart, and yes, you let it fall apart. 

A pang of sadness hit me. I suddenly felt sad on the person I turned out to be after those unsuccessful relationships, whether serious or the not so so serious. Now I don’t know if it is a good thing to be in control, to be tough and always stay on the safe side. I learned not to expect from anyone I get involved with , because I believe we start to expect when we invest our effort, time, self and emotions. So why invest when love is a gamble? Why waste your time if in the end everything will just fall apart and you just repeat the same cycle? 

Don’t get me wrong, do I sound bitter? Hehe. I used to be this silly hopeless romantic girl with high hopes and dreams. But where is she now? Waaah! I can;t seem to find her…I think prevention is better than cure and in love we should never be the delusional one. 

Now the question is, did I really learn something from my past hurts? Did the pain make me or brake me? What if love comes knocking on my door? What if it’s there already? I’m just so scared that I might drive the person away because I’m afraid to love, I’m afraid to risk. Until now I think that love is a hassle and is very inconvenient, its complicated. Is it possible to have a relationship without it? I know Im crazy and Im just complicating things right? Oh well I’ll just sing my favorite song…. 

No more “i love yous” 
The language is leaving me 
No more “i love yous” 

Changes are shifting outside the word ….. 

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