The Airport Connection

Just a thought that came to my mind when I woke up this morning, just the random connections…

*My name was taken from Manila International Airport(MIA), probably the place where my parents met, fell-in love and even made me because they were both working there some 20 plus years ago. I told myself I never wanted to follow the footsteps of my parents, but here I am making my own mark, working at Singapore’s Changi Airport.

*Airports delight me. The smell of the airplane’s fuel, hearing the sound of the trolleys, the excitement I get waiting to board the aircraft towards my destination plus all the people traveling around coming from all over the world; indeed it’s an exciting playground!

*I have lived 7 kilometers away from the airport for the past 24 years of my existence, the nearness makes me immune to the takeoff and landing noises of these aircraft which I literally see just in front of me; I even had this childhood fantasy that one day an airplane might land directly in front of our house. Now here at Simei, I can also see the gracious landing of such wonderful aircrafts, well minus the noisy sound.

*I can’t imagine how my parents and even some veterans of the airline industry spent almost their whole lives in this very fast-paced industry. I am just starting now, and I don’t know if I will really stay in this business or even stay long for a year (with my past employment backgrounds that seems to last for just a few months). But there is something different now. Everyday is different, the people I meet, the faces I see, and all of them have their different stories. It delights me to see the face of a child welcoming his mother after maybe a long time of being away of each other; these airport moments  are so intense, so real. It also saddens me to see those lovers giving the most intimate and lasting kiss with tears in their eyes; who knows when they will meet again.

All these emotions, all these people whom we help just to reach their destination,  this may not be one of the highest paying job or whatsoever, but the satisfaction I get after  helping a passenger, or hearing them say that Changi is the best, or just by addressing me in my first name, makes me feel ... just satisfied...

untitled............

I admit that it did hurt me when you said in perfect nonchalance that we were nothing but friends. It was like cold water splashed into my face because reality slapped my face when I knew what I was getting into right from the start. Well I have tried hard to keep my emotions at bay, and I purposely and willfully disregarded all your acts of sweetness or rather friendliness. Maybe I can’t blame myself for feeling this way because I know deep inside me that you acted different these past few days. I never imagined we will be romantically together eventually, but I won’t be that pretentious NOT to say that it never crossed my mind; after all what’s wrong with being more than friends with someone who knows the real you, the one who accepts you, the one who literally sees you from inside out.  Reality does hurt sometimes and I hate the way it stabs my heart literally. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t have a heart; and the only purpose I use it is to pump blood and to be alive, I have no future plans to use it romantically of whatsoever. I have been playing the “these games” so well even before, I feel so jaded.

But there is something special when I am with you:  the nearness of you which delights me, our conversations where I just can be me and how you support me (no matter how crazy my ideas seem to be). I know it was wrong of me to have hopes of us being eventually “together” and I have been in constant battle with myself, deluding myself with this possible fact and at the same time keeping myself grounded to being the “good” friend I was supposed to be. But no matter how I try to keep my guard, there was always you. YOU and your sweet honest ways that make me turn of my safety button. So desperate I may seem that I would say “yes” if ever you ask me to, but I know you will never will. Frankly, I am tired of this. I am tired of being strong for myself when I know it’s just me who’s hurting, indeed there’s always a problem when someone goes overboard, and I told myself right from the start that I won’t be that person. It’s not a question of pride to be honest, I just came into a mature decision that I would never want to lose our friendship because LOVE was getting in the way (damn I hate that word). Our friendship is the most important thing in the world for me. The way I’ve seen things in a different light since I met him, I must admit that he has been my driving force, he believed in me, and he cared for me and I know I should be contented with that because that was all he could ever offer. What he gave me was more than a romantic liaison or “boyfriend” in its normal sense would ever be. Hey, after all we are only here for the convenience in whatever sense you take that to be.

It’s just that lately I have felt that you have put down your defense walls yourself. I might be assuming though I am never in my nature an assuming gal, but I felt as if the walls you placed between us were broken into pieces.  We got closer than our projected personal space we intended to be and went way beyond the ‘friendship” boundary, but yes I might have just ASSUMED again here and I might have been back to my old childhood fancy of a romantic fairytale with a happy ending.

And I fear that it’s coming back again. My sensitivity, my frailty, my stupidity, and I’m afraid that in the end it will be my worst blunder. I won’t make it happen and I know I should be strong.  In the end it was only me alone and it will always be just me. I am still thankful enough to YOU for what YOU have made of me now; I must admit that knowing you led me to take a big U turn in my life. Thank you for making the nights less lonely, for the warm embrace when I was cold, the passionate kisses that made my life exciting, the long walks while holding my hands, for the little surprises, for making the boring afternoons pass by so quickly with all our long conversations, for dancing with me, for introducing me to your friends, for giving me the sweetest random kisses, your tenderness  and your lovely gaze, always telling me there is NOTHING I can’t do. Thank you most of all for believing me, and I’m sorry if I let you down for feeling this way, you were right from the start when you told me I should not fall for you. I really don’t know if I ever did………..Nice to meet you anyway........

What if?

What if you left your house ten minutes before the usual time? What if you took a sudden right turn when you were initially headed to the left? Decisions, decisions;  everyday we are presented by different options, different possibilities that could lead to other potential universe  and opportunities awaiting us.

Did you ever experience telling yourself:  “if I have.....then I wouldn’t have….”? Could have been you would not have met an accident, met the man of your dreams, or missed the train (the examples are forever).   Just think of those utterances we make when we should have or could have done something different from the usual routine that could have made a difference and a big impact in our lives. Am I making sense here? I just realized the decisions I made over the past few years and I found myself uttering the same words: WHAT IF…..

I suddenly realized its magic! And I am starting to understand how the universe works, and believe me it just keeps getting better and better! All you have to do is ASK, ask, and even without asking the universe knows the deepest desires of your heart. Ok I am just ecstatic here and you might be thinking I am going crazy with the universe theory whatsoever, so let me give you examples to show you what I mean.

What if…. #1 What if I continued to take up Political Science and pursue  my dream of being a lawyer instead of taking up European Languages?

Outcome: Then I wouldn’t have the advantage and be like everyone else. I wouldn’t be able to be a tour guide and get the special “French” inbound groups. I wouldn’t be understanding French songs and movies. I wouldn’t be having the inspiration to travel and explore so many cultures. I wouldn’t be ME.

What if…. #2 What if I didn’t walk randomly to the Department of Tourism one July afternoon after I found out I couldn’t get my dream job?

Outcome:  Then I wouldn’t be doing what I love to do now, which is being a tour guide! I came to the tourism office at the right time because the screening was even on that weekend (the training is only a yearly event and I got so lucky to be just in time). I wouldn’t have toured the Philippines for free! I wouldn’t have met the people who helped me in so many ways till now, like those tourists who shared and taught me a lot of things about culture and the French language not to mention all the gifts and tips they gave me.

What if…. #3 What if I didn’t talk to the stranger at the bar one Sunday evening in Vietnam?

Outcome: Then I should kiss goodbye my ultimate dream, which is to see Europe! Thank you very much Alex for being a nice friend to me; sending me an invitation and acting out as a guarantee and boyfriend (for visa purposes) for my application to the almost impossible to get Schengen Visa. What if I didn’t talk to you that night and exchanged Facebook details?  Little did we know that the 2 hours conversation we had was my ticket to realizing my dream! I had the opportunity to explore Europe, experience the World Cup and be in Paris during the Bastille.

What if…. #4 What if I didn’t make a Couch Surfing account and put Cebu as my location?

Outcome: Then I wouldn’t be in Singapore now. I wouldn’t have met Florian whom I met through CS. Another what if, if I may add is “What if I didn’t agree to meet him”. Then I might be stuck at home being the miserable and problematic girl not knowing what to do with her life and having issues with everything she wants to have problems with. I wouldn’t have the opportunity or even the slightest idea of trying my luck and venturing here in Singapore, of which now I got a job and looking forward to a wonderful adventure filled life ahead.

You see when I was about to finish my journal entry, I suddenly realized the pattern! EUREKA!!! The universe is so GREAT! God is so smart and cool! Things happen because this is what we desire, this is what we want to be, and this is how we make it. Try to repel it and you’ll be a slave to the “what ifs” dark side, the “what might have been”. It’s simple, you just have to go with the flow and be at peace with yourself, be happy and be inspired, be fluid like the water and never do the things that are no value to you. Do what you love, and be with the people who inspire you. I am really amazed by this pattern, and when you get to master it, everything seems to take place the way you want it to be and the way you designed it should be, PLUS you always get the perfect timing and luck, you meet the people whom you will need, and slowly during the process you discover who you are and you are at peace with the world as you achieve personal satisfaction and joy.

I am feeling thankful and blessed and super overwhelmed with all the wonderful things happening in my life right now. May this be a way of showing my gratitude to all the people and the factors that contributed to this state to which I am right now. Each moment is cherished, locked and forever treasured in my heart.

P.S. There are still a lot of what ifs situations and people involved, if I failed to mention you please do not worry or feel sad. You guys are equally special and without you, what would Mia's life be? You guys ROCK :) 

No more I love yous.. (still?)

I wrote this article two years ago. Last year I did a re- evaluation on it, and now i'm doing it again. Has things changed over the years. Do we really grow from the mistakes and the experiences we had. From the way I am seeing it I am still dealing with the things how I would deal with them two years ago. I may have deeper insights and new philosophies whatsoever but the fact still remains.
I think I didn't grow at all, or am I just that stubborn?
No, I'm a child at heart~~~

Reminiscin .. Again.. (May 2009)

I heard the song of Annie Lennox on the Radio this morning while I was headed to somewhere, headed to the road of uncertainty I guess. I just celebrated my birthday two days ago and weeks before my birthday, I asked myself if I've grown or if i've learned something from the past. 

I am out of words coz the emotions are just too much. My blog last October somehow was able to express what I feel... Things can happen in just a blink of an eye, in the end all we have are memories.. Bittersweet memories.. 

October 2008 

Don’t you hate long bus rides especially when you’re drunk and you live like two hours away? The cold breeze on your face and the sights triggers a nostalgic feeling. Thoughts, flashbacks, then you relive those memories you choose to forget. 


Funny how in a snap everything can change! When you enter a relationship the person involved becomes a part of you; your routine, your way of life. I just realize that the aftermath of breaking up is the hardest part to deal with. Everything you used to do is just a memory, sadly you just watched the relationship fall apart, and yes, you let it fall apart. 


A pang of sadness hit me. I suddenly felt sad on the person I turned out to be after those unsuccessful relationships, whether serious or the not so so serious. Now I don’t know if it is a good thing to be in control, to be tough and always stay on the safe side. I learned not to expect from anyone I get involved with , because I believe we start to expect when we invest our effort, time, self and emotions. So why invest when love is a gamble? Why waste your time if in the end everything will just fall apart and you just repeat the same cycle? 


Don’t get me wrong, do I sound bitter? Hehe. I used to be this silly hopeless romantic girl with high hopes and dreams. But where is she now? Waaah! I can;t seem to find her…I think prevention is better than cure and in love we should never be the delusional one. 


Now the question is, did I really learn something from my past hurts? Did the pain make me or brake me? What if love comes knocking on my door? What if it’s there already? I’m just so scared that I might drive the person away because I’m afraid to love, I’m afraid to risk. Until now I think that love is a hassle and is very inconvenient, its complicated. Is it possible to have a relationship without it? I know Im crazy and Im just complicating things right? Oh well I’ll just sing my favorite song…. 


No more “i love yous” 
The language is leaving me 
No more “i love yous” 

Changes are shifting outside the word ….. 

It has been a year... My Cebu life (A reflection).

Sinulog 2009

When I want something I don’t stop till I get it. Two years ago I wanted freedom; freedom from the busy streets of Manila and freedom from the supervision of my parents.  I don’t think wanting something badly and working hard till you get it isn't bad at all, but wanting something out of impulsiveness is another story. If there was something I’ve learned from my series of decisions over the past few years that is to decrease these sudden spontaneous urges of mine into a well paced series of reflections and situation awareness and general planning. That was what I lacked, the patience and the maturity to face the reality since nothing was impossible for me as long as I have the will power together with the dream that goes along with it. I always tried to mask the real situation in my candy colored fantasies thinking every endeavor will be part of my so- called adventure story book.

But as they say, no regrets! My Visayas adventure was one of the greatest. I proved to myself that I could be independent; living in another province with no relatives or family at all was a big adjustment. I realized how hard it was to earn a living; by receiving the average daily wage and how to budget my money for food, lodging, week end gimmicks and travel. I was lucky to meet good friends along the way, who like me ventured away from their sheltered homes to be independent as well. I have this theory that you tend to get attracted or to be magnetized in the same crowd your mindset and values belong to. In my Cebu life I belonged to this “other” colorful crowd if I may say. I was exposed to the kind of set-up I could have never imagined possible before, and indeed life is full of infinite possibilities!

I sailed the Visayan seas (fast craft, Cockaliong, pumpboats) , rode infinite Ceres bus rides, ate Puso (hanging rice)  and the famous Lechon Cebu. I can never count the numerous fiestas and the pakals (thanksgiving) I’ve been to since all the memorable moments in a Visayan’s life is marked with a feast or thanksgiving: and take note, I hardly know these people who invited me. I have learned to drink beer with a group of 6 or more people in just one single glass! And those “tagay” moments that you can’t help but get drunk because your consummation of beer is monitored by everyone (everyone waits for their turn for the shot).

My list goes on and on till forever, so I wrote this entry just to say thank you and to show how much I appreciated all the people who have been part of my Cebu/ Bohol life. There might have been some that I’ve hurt along the way, some misunderstandings, and some unfinished business but I couldn’t be thankful enough for the love, the concern and the memories you have spent with me. Most of all I’m thankful for the friendship we’ve shared, the hidden treasure I found in the middle of my adventure story.

Now that I am back to my sheltered life I realized how I miss the independence that I once had. When you are in a far away land, nobody really knows you and you can do whatever you want. I think I had an excess of freedom and literally the “scars” remind me of the well lived reckless life I had. The big scar on my right leg is like a constant reminder of how crazy yet true to myself I was. I was burned and hurt but these misfortunate adventures made who I am right now. After being a bum for a few months now and just discovering the world little by little made me realize it’s time to get down to serious business.

I think I had enough time already to think and reflect on what I want to do with my life. Another chapter is officially over and now I can’t wait for the next chapter of my adventure story book to start (but this time I have waited patiently haha!).

Cheers!

My career in hounding careers. Wanted: fixed marriage anyone?

can you find me? 

My parents used to tell me that I can easily be what I want to be after I finish college. But I guess that was only to motivate me, truth is university life was way much easier and the real world was really a big jungle. After I graduated from college I never really had a clear picture of what I really wanted to be. I thought it was easy to decide, but looking for a career was just the start of the problem. Out of the blue I decided to be a sea woman. It was not in line with what I studied but the thought of sailing seas and docking to different ports made me excited of the adventures that will come. So the first summer after my college graduation, (Career #1) I enrolled myself to a marine school where I took basic safety training before I got my Marine passport. I did get a lot of discouragements along the way. On the first day of class my teacher asked me if I was sure that I’ll enroll in his class, he was hesitant if I can cope with the activities like fire fighting, emergency drills, swimming, and the feared jumping 30 meters off the open sea. He suggested that I marry a sea captain instead.

Getting the marine passport was easy, finding a job at sea was harder than I expected. They wanted tankers, engineers, captains, things that I can never do. I applied for luxury cruise ships but during the interview they would tell me that I was still too young for the job and they don’t think I could handle the pressure and the possible indecent proposals from the men on the fleet. They told me that after 8 months of voyage the women usually come back with something inside their tummies.

Out of my desperation I just decided to walk along the Kalaw area in Manila since most of the shipping companies are located there. I saw the building of the Department of Tourism to my left and out of curiosity I went inside; I asked the receptionist how I can be a tour guide. She directed me to the tourism standards building, and the next thing I know I was at the Coconut Palace for the panel interview together with other sixty plus aspiring tour guides as well. I noticed I was the youngest of the group; I could see the marks of wisdom and experience in the faces of the lovely people. They were discussing about the history of the Coconut palace and all I know is that a large percent of this place was made by yes, the Coconut which is the tree of life! Haha! I was called inside and all the big bosses of the tourism industry were in the room. It was the usual tell us about yourself question and the golden question was: “For you what is tour guiding?” I told them in confidence that tour guiding is not even a career but a passion. It’s your passion to be of service to other people by representing your country and being proud of it (I forgot the rest). Everyone had big smiles on their faces and told me that they want me in! I didn’t have to wait two weeks for the announcement and I was eager to start the training.

My I.D.

My tour guiding job (Career #2) took me to places I’ve never been before. It led me to a lot of discoveries and learning that not any job can really amount to. I can say that it’s the coolest job on Earth; getting paid to talk and to go to places; improving your French grammar and learning about other cultures as well (I’ll elaborate more in a different blog I guess). My first experience was the Costa Cruise ship; that is where I had my first taste of Euros.  

Mid September my cousin got married in Cebu City. Everyone in the family flew there for the big event. We went around Cebu and I admired the place then I decided I wanted to stay there. On the wedding day itself I passed my resume to the HR department then I was scheduled for an interview the next day. I applied for (Career #3) Media events and front desk staff. I went back to Manila to get my stuff, the hotel was taking too long so I decided to work in a ( Carrer #4)call center at I.T. park. Bringing my 40 kilos of excess baggage, I settled in Cebu thinking that it would be a fun adventure; discovering the city and the beaches, that was what I had in mind and of course being independent and far away from my dad’s curfew and supervision.

I didn’t last in my call center job; it was not even a month because everything seemed like a routine to me. I was not yet even done with the training, so we were just like having fun learning, drinking free coffee and iced tea and team building that time. Sadly the smell of carpet, the air conditioning, the gossips and the mundane made me sick. I already got three violations for wearing what I want, and being late considering that my house was 10 minutes walking distance from the workplace.

My next job was in a (Career #5) travel agency. It was the usual 8- 5 job and with the average daily wage of 267Php per day. I also did not last long in this job, but what I enjoyed the most was since my boss was one member of the high class Cebu, sometimes we would be invited to exclusive dinners, free food, free tour, free and free and lots of free stuff. I was able to participate in the Travel Mart expo where I met my future Boss, that’s when I got my job in Bohol. I didn’t care about the pay and I was not really getting much being an account manager/ writer of a travel TV show (Career #6) but I can say that the experience I had was priceless. Meeting the Who’s who in Bohol, being invited by the local municipality and letting us try their touristic spots/ amenities for free and I even tried hosting for the show and some events. I love multi- tasking, I love diversity, I love meeting different people and going to different places. I decided to go back to Manila to continue my tour guiding career since I received an offer to do a series of French tours starting November to May the next year. That’s where I stayed for the next six months (the longest career so far!).

But the tourism industry has its highs and lows. I have been officially jobless for almost six months now. I wasn’t taking my condition seriously until one day I had this interview for a job abroad. I don’t remember how I applied to that recruitment agency but the next thing I know was they were asking me to sing (SING???), I was asking myself what I was getting into, but then ok there was nothing wrong singing so I sang awkwardly like 3 different songs (wehehehehehe). They asked me if I could sing in front of a camera wearing an evening gown, and at the back of my head I was thinking –uh oh!( I must leave this place at once). It didn’t end there, they asked me how earning half a million sounded. Of course who wouldn’t want to earn that? But here’s the catch, it was a(career #7?)  fixed marriage, yes you heard it right FIXED MARRIAGE. I didn’t know if I wanted to cry or feel sad or what. I saw pictures of the girls who were bribed for fixed marriage to men they hardly know. The pictures pretend that the chosen couples were madly in love; their love story documented from having dates to the marriage and honeymoon itself. I wanted to faint, hearing that they want to introduce me to the boss because they are sure he would like me, so they want to sell me now? What have I gotten myself into was the question I repeated to myself over and over again. I was not that desperate for money, and I don’t see marriage as business as well.

It made me feel sad how something sacred and special like marriage can now be regarded as a career. And yes there are people who involve themselves in this kind of set-up. I do not judge them; I do not have a right to whatever reasons they might have. In fact I think I admire them. Let’s face it, sometimes all a girl can have is her body and her pretty face and that’s it, getting married or being involved in this set- up makes her semi- millionaire in no time. She just needs to smile in front of the camera, profess her vows, and eventually WORK for her husband.

I’m sorry but I don’t see myself doing this yet and I am not considering this even as a last resort. If I still need to pursue my career in hounding careers then let it be, life is a discovery anyway. I’d rather have a hundreds of different jobs that I like, where I grow and I learn than be forced to work somewhere just for the sake of money. I may be a free spirit now but I know one thing’s for sure, that someday I’m gonna be great doing whatever it is that I love to do. 

Why can't I write about you?

It seems so long this one month fast paced I don’t know what to call thing has been going on. Convincing myself right now that it was more of a need, a mere profitable trade, or just to help me pass by those oh so boring and nothing to do days. I must admit that you lured me, not with your charms but just the way you are.  It’s an awakening that you have brought me; but it seems that cowardice has gotten into me, why can’t I write about you?

I can write about your little ways, your witty remarks and of your beautiful mind. I can write about the things we’ve shared, the food we ate, places we’ve gone to and of our lives’ philosophies. I can write about our craziness and how we met, our little adventures and of our favorite movies, but why can’t I write about you and how you make me feel?

All I know is that it feels good to be beside you though you keep your world a distance away from mine. You built your walls of defenses but slowly you destroyed mine; making me open up my thoughts, my past, and my dreams, making me reveal a part of me that I have never shared with anyone before. You conquered me, and soon this conquest had slowly permeated me.

I can’t write anything more though I really tried hard to. I really squeezed my brains out to decipher this mystery. What do I really feel? Am I now being the emotionally dyslexic I wanted to become when I thought nothing or no one is worth fighting for? Have I become comfortably numb? Words are usually easy to flow with emotions like happiness, pleasure, pain or bliss; they even say you should write about the things that trouble you to put your mind to rest. But what if I can’t write simply because I can’t feel? What has been this contagious disease that has gotten into me? I can’t write but this is the best I tried.

No, I'm a....lesbian.

It was good to see my good old Cebu roommates Ash and Debs last night (Happy Birthday Debs!). Seeing them brought back colorful memories from our Cebu life. It has been more than a year since we last saw each other and that’s why everybody was eager with updates and the two were curious about my previous Europe trip. In a casual way I told them, it was fun although I was almost harassed and raped by my roommate on my first day.

Because it was Mia’s first time in Europe, I was the ‘ignoramus” I admit. I didn’t know that mixed hostels existed and I was unfortunate enough to be sharing the room with just another guy. In Philippine culture that could never happen, it would be a scandal. I was shocked at first but I kept my cool pretending that oh it was normal.

I got the chance to know my Arabic roommate and it happened to be that he was also a tour guide in Egypt. We chatted about our jobs and he decided to accompany me to walk around the streets of Copenhagen at 1am, I told him I didn’t want to waste time and I wanted to see the beautiful city at night. Since he was there two weeks ago, I had an instant tour guide explaining to me the sights and tidbits of the Danish history; I also had an instant body guard and a photographer.

We went back to our room from our little adventure. I was so tired from my 17 – hour flight from Manila. I was overwhelmed of what I saw and was also exhausted from getting lost from the airport to finding my hostel, but of course happy and thrilled of my adventures yet to come! I was about to close my eyes when I heard Arab guy say, “Do you mind if we sleep together? This is a very perfect opportunity. It’s not what you think it is, it’s you and me in one bed and you just put your head on my shoulders and I’ll play with your hair to put you to sleep, isn’t that lovely?” Lovely twas not! I was horrified and thoughts keep rushing in my head, will I run, will I shout, is there a sharp object I could hit him with in case he attacks me? I was thinking, great! My first day in Europe and I will be RAPED!

I tried to keep my cool and cleared my throat; I decided I should be firm and say NO in a polite manner. “Mr. Arab guy, forgive me but I am really tired and exhausted right now, I can’t even move my eyelids, my mind is shutting down. Perhaps we can talk about this tomorrow when I gain my strength and I get back to normal, is that okay? I really want to sleep now, GOODNIGHT!!! The guy was still persistent! He said there were other girls before in the room with him but he did not entertain the idea of sleeping with them. “You look like an Arab woman, your eyes, you’re so sweet, and who would not want to sleep with you? Can you blame me for wanting even just to sleep beside you?” I really got scared, but I don’t know, I guess I was super tired as well that all I said to him was, GOODNIGHT MR. ARAB GUY! I closed my eyes in fear wishing the morning would come soon.

The morning did come soon! With hardly 3 hours of sleep I awoke when I heard the thumping of the floor and the sound of belly dancing music. It was 5:30 am and the sun was already up! I couldn’t sleep anymore since I just remembered about the incident last night. He bid me good morning and offered me a cup of coffee and some biscuits. I was analyzing him when he finally said that he wasn’t able to sleep because he was thinking of me the whole time. He was starting to make “the” moves and I was thinking on how to escape this monster! He sat near me and asked about the Philippine culture, slowly bringing the topic of love, relationship and then pre marital sex leading to ask me personal questions. My head started to overheat! The nerve of this guy! I told him stop asking me personal questions as I refused to answer his queries. What ticked me was when he approached me and got nearer and asked for a kiss. I wanted to show a disgusted face but I was scared that he might to something bad to me. I was asking all the angels and saints to help me, I wanted to cry, but I can’t show this devil that I am scared of him, NEVER!

My room @ the Hostel in Copenhagen

Then I got a brilliant idea!

In a casual confident manner I faced him smiling sheepishly and told him (well I can still remember clearly my words of victory) “you are an attractive man and honestly I see no reason not to sleep with you or even to kiss you! But I’m afraid it could never happen because.. because.. we both like the same thing.. we both like girls, I’m ashamed to say it because you might uhmm not understand but I am a lesbian. I am like this ever since time immemorial. I have a girlfriend for 8 years now, and I love her so much. I’m sorry if I can’t do what you want, but I’m like this, it could never happen and it will NEVER happen.”

I cannot forget the perplexed and somehow apologetic face of his after I said it. He was very sorry, and he was ashamed of what he has done. He told me that he also had a friend who was lesbian and he understood well my sentiments. He said that it just never occurred to him that I was like that. I told him that I don’t need to be like manly just to be one; one can be the sweetest and softest feminine girl and yet looks can be deceiving. I was smiling triumphantly at the back of my head, I did not know how I was able to think of that alibi, but it really did work well!

The guy turned out to be nice and friendly after my confession. He said in order to make up for what he did he would take me to a surprise, we could go to Sweden! The idea was cool, we became friends and he told me the things he knew since he was passionate about the Danish culture, I didn’t know that I could go to Malmo Sweden by train, so thanks to him I was able to add one more country to my Euro trip!

I found out that he was married and had children. It made me feel sad, how could he betray his wife for a stranger in a youth hostel? It was like he just got out of a cage and wanted to try out other girls. On our way back home I was wrong to think that he was really convinced I was a lesbian. He still asked me, “perhaps you can try it with a guy, you’ve never really tried it with a guy, I could be the first.” Blood rushed to my head, I really wanted to punch him, when will he give up when I thought I’ve made things clear! He went to the bathroom, and I hurriedly got my things and flew to the elevator making my way to the lobby, my heart and whole body palpitating. I felt relieved when I reached the ground floor. I still have 4 hours before my train, I wanted to rest but I can’t because I have this roommate from hell! Good thing the hostel got lockers so I stored my stuff and then walked my way to Tivoli Gardens. The amusement park with all the colors, lights, sounds and people made me forget about my unfortunate encounter. Now when I think about it, my lesbian excuse really did save my life!

Hello and Goodbye

I just realized that I have been involving myself in transitory relationships for the past two years of my life; whether it is of friendship, affairs of the heart and even work! Well, I would not want to go into details with all the craziness I did in my past but recently when my best friend left off for Europe I started to become conscious that at first it was an unintentional choice but now it seems as if it’s as easy as counting 1,2,3 a,b, c hello and goodbye.
I couldn’t imagine how easily I got attached to people before. I never wanted to end wonderful things shared, and saying goodbye was like waking up from very beautiful dream then. I hate to admit that I really give a part of me, that I really exert effort, time and emotions without asking anything in return, I just want to give out all I could give feeling that there was so much to give.

I laugh at the thought that I would really burst into tears when I say goodbye to my French tourists when I bid them goodbye at the airport after spending ten or more days with them. My job as a tourist guide was hard because over some time you get to know your clients and as day goes by you have established a wonderful relation with them, the genuine concern, kindness and care you had for them; they were like babies you took care of for more than a week. It was just hard to accept that they were leaving, that I am going to miss them, and partly of exhaustion from work. I had countless tours and the last day always bring me to tears, that is why I think that the airport is one of the saddest places in the world. I associate it with goodbyes that I know will last forever.

Well this has been a vicious cycle for me. I travel a lot and meet a lot of wonderful people that I get close with. I venture to the unknown and feel genuine kindness and concern given by strangers. Sometimes surprisingly you will also meet special people that would make a place significantly attached to you because of the shared memories. But it all boils down to one thing, there‘s always going to be an end to it no matter how sweet and special these shared moments were. I guess we should just swallow the fact that nothing lasts forever.

Frankly, I am not saddened by this fact anymore because if there was one thing that travel has taught me, it was to accept change. There is no use in crying over the past. I know, it takes some time and mastery to be able to detach yourself from this fact, I too used to be a cry baby, too emotional to let go. But hey, we got beautiful memories, that mere moment shared with that person/ those people are uniquely yours to share and cherish forever.
What is important is that you seized the day and lived it to the fullest, and as they say, the fact that it will never happen again is what makes like sweeter.
Carpe Diem!

Alone in the front bar..

Yesterday I was out there alone, contemplating, perplexed, thinking what to do with my life. A photographer friend Paolo Ruiz told me to check out Cubao Expo, and he said I might find interesting vintage stuff. He was right! The place was indeed an artist's haven, I like the Heritage shop the most where I saw antique photos and I had a great time reading the photos and dedications dated early as 1930's! I took me hours to explore all the interesting photos, and a photo of a Torero sewed with gold and sequences on his costume caught my attention. This photo of a young man with hope and pride with his conquests being a Torero, it was unique, it was weird, it was different, I liked it.

Second discovery was a T- Shirt saying Je suis Philippine :) ok so that is for my frenchy side.

I didn't want to end yet the night and there was Mogwai Bar. There were lots of people, band members, group of friends, photographers. I was having second thoughts of going there alone, but my thirst for a shot of Red Horse Beer prevailed. I gathered all my guts to find me a place in the front bar (a strategic place by the way).Ok it was on purpose because this lonely girl would look pathetic sitting on the side of the room with no one to talk to.Thankfully the kind waiters and baristas kept me company. My solitary situation made me realize that it was not that bad a all, you get tuned to your senses, to yourself, you can observe a lot of people, and you have this intimate connection with your glass of ice cold Redhorse beer.

Would I not mention the soundtrack that kept me company through the night. These three perfect songs that best describe my life right now.

You'll remember me when the west wind moves
Upon the fields of barley
You'll forget the sun in his jealous sky
As we walk in fields of gold


Well, I've been afraid of changing cause I've
Built my life around you
Time makes you bolder
Even children get older
And I'm getting older, too
I'm getting older, too


All I can say is that my life is pretty plain
I like watchin' the puddles gather rain


Don't you think that maybe these songs were really made for you? It just hits you right through the bones.